You

You made me laugh,

You made me cry,

You made me want to say goodbye,

You took my trust,

You broke my heart,

You said you’d be there from the start,

You fooled me once,

You fooled me more,

You said it wouldn’t happen no more,

You broke my heart,

You stole my life,

You made me fall,

You said you were mine,

You told those white lies,

You brandished your fists and broke my smile,

You torture me every day,

You won’t leave me be,

You.

What Am I Doing?

What am I doing?

I woke up at 4am again to the same issues and stresses I had 10 years ago. I sat thinking I have nothing to show for the now 36 years I’ve been on this planet.

I don’t own my own home, my car is financed up to the nines, I work paycheck to paycheck and have nothing left. I’ve done overtime at work for the last 2 months in the hope to set some money aside.

I’ve been here before, feeling worthless and like nothing I do matters. Yes, I’ve travelled all over the world, had a sail boat (even for a little while), lived in different countries (sometimes not by choice).

But what does that all matter when all it gave is stories to tell? I have nothing concrete, nothing to show for 18-19 years of working all my life.

Truth be told, I don’t think I will have anything perminant that I can say “I did that” Yes, there are my books. They are out there on Amazon, but if noone appreciates them, what is the point of them?

I think they were good stories, or I wouldn’t have bothered with them. I honestly thought, you know what I’d rather be dead than feel this way.

So much so, that I’m considering becoming medicated again. I tried the medicated route, and was a zombie. I started on one that you took on a morning Lorazepam and it made me numb. Then they put me onto ones you take at night Mirtazapine, but they gave me nightmares and made me drowsy all day.

I’m done pretending to be okay. I want to scream out that I’m not okay. Everyone sees the big jovial guy who always cracks jokes, but they don’t see the dead look in my eyes. Or if they do, noone mentions it.

Too Damn Sensitive

Needless to say, I’ve been around most of the internet and interweb since 1996 or 97. I’ve haunted most of the so called Dark-Web. From the heady days of AOL and Jolly Rodger Cookbook to DALnet and IRC. From Psi-fight to Constructs, and everything in between.

I’ve participated in the OVC and OEC, before it was called such. But, when did it become taboo to post topical pictures or MEME’s?

Don’t offend the OVC, by posting blood dripping out of your mouth with captions like “They said don’t play with your food… but she was too tasty to resist” Or the Therians, by posting a picture of you morphing into a monster and the caption, “Only on my period”

When the hell did this thing called life, become so damn serious?

I’m not bashing the OVC, OEC or Otherkin or it’s people, Hell I was there at the beginning when they were founding these groups. Before the term Online Community was coined. I was there before the Therians and Sang fell out and went their separate ways.

When there was just one big F****ed up family of people getting together on IRC in the DALnet days. Then the politics began and the, “I can’t be your friend because you are friends with them.”

Then sites and groups sprang up for every different sect. Some moved to EFNET or UNDERnet and some bought their own little servers and set up DARKmyst.

We have lost friends among the way in Sangi and others. People have moved on and let go of this online world we have. They’ve become reclusive or just plain given up.

But we can’t take ourselves too seriously, we are ugly bags of mostly water.

Sex

  
Is sex a pass time, recreation or procreation?

I read a lot of articles the likes of:

10 ways to please your man or woman, the male and female orgasm etc

So why are we so hung up on sex? 

It’s a biological imperative, yes Ofcourse it is. The species would die out of it wasn’t!

Are humans the only animal to do sex for enjoyment?

I read a study that dolphins also have sex for other reasons than procreation.

So if it’s meant to be fun, why do so many stress over it?

Am I big enough, did I last long enough, are my boobs too little. Just enjoy it if that’s what you are doing it for.

There are far too many hang ups and insecurities without having them during sex too.

Think Outside The Box

So, we’ve all had moments when we had to think outside the box for whatever reason.

An interview question, a moment in your life, or even in a job role.

What I’ve come to conclude is you should ask for clarification how far outside the box you are allowed to go.

A moment in life

Your cars just broken down, you have to get somewhere soon.

Thinking outside the box might be hitchhiking, catching a bus, borrowing a bike.

An interview question

A customer came in your store, they’d bought a dress but it was too small.

Thinking outside the box might be, offer a bigger size, offer a similar dress, offer something other than a dress. Maybe a pair of trousers.

In your job role

You need to get a document to someone in a meeting, across the city or country.

You could upload it to the cloud, send a secure courier, hand deliver it.

Where am I going with this?

Recently I had an interview with Apple for a customer service telesales role. This was their question:

A customer is on the phone, their printer isn’t working and they need to print a document for a meeting the next day.

The customer has no insurance or warranty left on their contract. Thinking outside the box help them!

So, my choices to the customer were:

1. Can you upload your documents to the cloud and print from a library. 

2. Can you upload them and print at the company where you’re doing the meeting.

3. Can you send them to me secure email and I’ll print them for you and courier them over.

4. Can you get to a repair station and we will swap the printer for a working model.

Outcome

Needless to say I didn’t successfully get the job. My options were deemed too far outside the box.

So just be careful with your options lol

Moving Home

We often move home for the big things in life, like needing a bigger home for new children; or if you need to move closer to work.
But, how often do you move just because you are a restless soul or an adventurer?
When I was younger, I moved home to trial a life in America. I loved the culture, the people and the areas I visited.
However, it was during that time in my life that I suffered the biggest lows in my life. 
I was attacked at gunpoint for my wallet. I was put in jail for overstaying a visa when my belongings were stolen. I lost all my money and became homeless for 6 months.

So, why do I still have my wandering ways? I would love to travel. To be constantly on the road; visiting new countries and new towns every few months.