What am I doing?
I woke up at 4am again to the same issues and stresses I had 10 years ago. I sat thinking I have nothing to show for the now 36 years I’ve been on this planet.
I don’t own my own home, my car is financed up to the nines, I work paycheck to paycheck and have nothing left. I’ve done overtime at work for the last 2 months in the hope to set some money aside.
I’ve been here before, feeling worthless and like nothing I do matters. Yes, I’ve travelled all over the world, had a sail boat (even for a little while), lived in different countries (sometimes not by choice).
But what does that all matter when all it gave is stories to tell? I have nothing concrete, nothing to show for 18-19 years of working all my life.
Truth be told, I don’t think I will have anything perminant that I can say “I did that” Yes, there are my books. They are out there on Amazon, but if noone appreciates them, what is the point of them?
I think they were good stories, or I wouldn’t have bothered with them. I honestly thought, you know what I’d rather be dead than feel this way.
So much so, that I’m considering becoming medicated again. I tried the medicated route, and was a zombie. I started on one that you took on a morning Lorazepam and it made me numb. Then they put me onto ones you take at night Mirtazapine, but they gave me nightmares and made me drowsy all day.
I’m done pretending to be okay. I want to scream out that I’m not okay. Everyone sees the big jovial guy who always cracks jokes, but they don’t see the dead look in my eyes. Or if they do, noone mentions it.