I often think on things in my life that have led me to this point, I wonder if things would have turned out differently had I known what would follow them.
The lyrics in It’s a sin that get to me are, “As I look back upon my life, it’s always with a sense of shame, I’ve always been the one to blame” and in reality I probably am to blame for everything that has happened to me.
Sparing a room
I let two different people stay in my house on two occasions because they were nearly homeless and I had a spare room. Each time they shit on me and I ended up loosing friends and family because of their actions. I thought I was doing the right thing then, helping fellow man/woman. It turned out that all I got for my trouble was pain and heartache.
Falling for the wrong people
I have often been told I wear my heart on my sleeve or fall in love to easily. I would say that yes I have that problem, I am too soft and too gentle on the inside. Each time someone broke my heart I thought I had learned my lesson, toughened up. Only for it to happen a few years later.
In my life I would say I have truly loved maybe 5 people.
- My great grandfather, John William Coatsworth who died when I was 7 or 8 years old. He was my lasting childhood memory. I remember he went limp, his eyes rolled up in his head and us 3 kids were sent across the street to the neighbors while the paramedics arrived and found him dead at the scene. He had waited all day for his son to come home, my granddad and then shortly after he passed away. A bloodclot that had started in his leg had gone to his brain or heart. I can’t remember now. In that day they let the coffin stay in the house upstairs in his room. I sneaked up and lied down with him.
- My Granddad Tom and Grandmother Eileen, they have always been really good to me. They still talk to me where other family members don’t. They bought me a slow cooker and small oven for Christmas. When I was working down south or just before I left, he was diagnosed with either Bowel or Prostate cancer. He survived but the doctors messed him up really bad with their negligence.
- My wife Betsy, who passed away back in 2012. I don’t know what of as she had left the country and wanted a divorce back in 2007. I don’t hold it against her really as we didn’t have a lot of money and had to scrimp and scrape to get by. I did get a message saying she had met someone else and was happy. so I guess she had someone with her at the end.
- My Granddad John William Coatsworth, he passed away back in 2012 in a nursing home. We never got to make up after the family falling out. He probably didn’t know me towards the end because of Alzheimer’s, but I would liked to have said goodbye.
- My partner Becky, don’t know why in the hell she puts up with me.
Things I should have said
I often think back to all the things that happened and wondered or should have spoken up about them at the time. I said earlier about the people who had shit on me that I let stay. I would like to clarify that both turned out to be thieves. (Yep stupid me!)
The first person ransacked my Grandparents home after I’d kicked him out (or police forcibly removed him). The person turned out to be a vindictive psychopath. I came to go shopping with my Nana and Granddad and found the place completely smashed to pieces. Then my parents got a threatening photo of my sisters on their car with eyes burned out or some such. I never did see what he’d done.
The second person. a girl (yep fell for another wrong one) started showing up with clothes I’d never seen before, boxes getting delivered to the door full of stuff. Finally she turned up with a brand new phone. So I gave her my simcard to use as apparently it was locked to the Orange network.
Everyone say’s you don’t look back at what’s happened, you live for today or look forward to tomorrow. I don’t care who you are, when you are alone with your thoughts, you do drift back over your past. I internalise alot of stuff. Pain from my past, all the stuff from above.
I put a happy little mask over my face, not let anyone get too close and I pretend I am fine when I don’t think I’m anywhere near fine at all. I honestly believe I am broken, almost completely beyond repair.
I have a lifetimes worth of baggage that my friends, partner don’t need to see. So I push it deep deep down inside, away from the light and into the darkness where it shouldn’t be able to get out.
The problem with putting things in the dark, is that when you’re alone and there is nothing to occupy your mind, it tends to go into those dark places. I have a lot of experience with barriers and building mind walls (as I call them) but the problem is that I think my inner demons sometimes sneak through cracks when I am not feeling particularly strong.
It’s like there is a whole other person, the real me, hidden behind layers of suppression and mental blocks. A real me who is completely fragile and if anything else happens to him, he will break into a million pieces. He often speaks to me in my head. I protect him the best I can with what I can.
End on a positive
Finally the song that makes me feel better and can pick my spirits up is “God only Knows” by the Beach Boys and I want to dedicate it to everyone I love who lives or has passed on. Especially to Becky my partner, because in truth, “God only knows what I’d be without you!”