Don’t know what to feel or how to feel

I’ve made no bones about hiding anything from anyone, I’ve always been someone who if you asked me a question I’d tell you the answer even if it didn’t make me look good.

I was married back in 2007 to someone I fell for while travelling in the US. She was older than me, my family thought I was looking for a mother figure, but the truth was that I found something, someone with whom I had stuff in common. We were both writers, liked music and art.

So we moved back to the UK together in 2007 and we got married. Then I lost my job and house, rather than have her suffer being homeless we decided to use what last money we had to get her a ticket to the US where hopefully she could work. That didn’t work out too well, we both ended up homeless and destitute but on different continents.

Oh I’m not saying we had an easy time of it, we were on low income and had to struggle, but we were together. We argued about money and all of the stupid stuff that seems bigger at the time, than it really is.

I just found out she passed away back in 2012. That was why the emails I was sending, tweets, facebooks obviously never got answered. So I’ve been a widower for 2 years and not a single god damn person had the common courtesy to tell me.

So, now I don’t know what to think, I used to think she was ignoring me, playing a game with me. I began to hate her for the games and not getting back to my messages. Now I feel guilty because she didn’t get back to me because she couldn’t.

I guess I have to just wish her well. If you can hear me, “I will always love you” even though you were a pain in the butt lol. Go with God Bets.



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