Up days and down days

As I write this it’s 12:52 at night and for another night I’m having trouble getting to sleep.

I’m stressed and worried, maybe even depressed. I haven’t bought any Christmas presents, I’m barely keeping afloat with bills, jobs are nowhere in sight and I’m unwell.

All I want to do is crawl up and go to sleep but have so much on my mind. I used to turn to my novels but even writing them is turning sour. I look at the PC screen and want to just delete everything I’ve already written.

I don’t want to turn to medication to help me sleep but I eventually might have to see the doctor and explain.

I don’t even know why I’m baring my soul to this blog. Maybe for support or a cry for help. Who fucking knows why I do the things I do.

Did you know it was my birthday on the 3rd of November and I didn’t get one stinking card from my family? Yet they are in my dreams nearly every night.

I feel like crying or slicing my wrists at the moment, but I’m too much of a coward because it will hurt.

I have someone who depends on me and I need to make sure they are safe and taken care of first. At times I resent her for being here, but I think if she wasn’t neither would I be.

So yes, today is a down day.

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