Hospital Again

So for the trip back to hospital again lol

Beginning to think this is all my life has become.

Couldn’t breathe on my own, so had to ring 111 and get sent by ambulance to accident and emergency room.

Didn’t even get chance to get out of my PJ’s or shirt I’d been sick on lol

2019 Ending

2019 was a year to turn the page of my life’s book over and write the next chapter. I’ve lost too much these past ten years and though loss is inevitable it doesn’t make that knowledge any easier to handle as it happens.

There are friends and family who have come into my life, some have gone either through death or my own selfishness or stupidity, but that is part and parcel of life.

The ones who came and stayed are most welcome to write their chapter in my story. The ones who’ve gone wrote theirs on my heart and soul. These trials are welcome and necessary.

I won’t say I’m done learning, because we never are. There are more mistakes to make, poems to write, pictures to paint and songs to sing.

These last ten years I wished for death, I know that now. Almost succumbed to it. But I was born in darkness and that’s where I draw my power from. One day I’ll return to it. The black flame candle reenvigorates me.

I played the preacher, the student, the martyr and the fool. The fool is my favourite because it is where my skills are. I made people laugh and smile, I’ve had you tearing your hair out because I am stubborn.

You’ve had me in tears, made me feel better, made me wish I was like you. You’re struggling, getting through it, you’re an inspiration to me.

I hold you in high regard… Here’s to more years. 🖤

Tears set sail

Thank you for the thousand tears,
Shed throughout the last few years.
They taught me how to get by,
Look forward to a brighter sky.
Not to dwell on days that past,
Pin my heading to the mast.
Onward I set sail,
Head long toward the strongest gail.
In the darkness to my truth,
Black flame candle of my youth.
Rosey lips are set aquiver,
Taste the joyful bloody liquor.
Hear my voice and piano playing,
To all the naysayers… I am staying!

Frankie

The whispered name. The boy stirred in his sleep. Room bathed in shadow.
His head tossing back and forth. Turning towards the window, bloodshot eyes in the darkness. His nightmares have been troublesome as of late.

Beneath his closed eyelids, his eyes darted backwards and forwards. He heard the name calling again.
“Frankie…”
Sounding distant.
The boy jerks fully awake, mind groggy from sleep. Did he really hear the voice or is it within his dreaming world.
He pulls his pajamas on, sweat making them stick to his pale limbs. He murmurs to himself against the dark of the room. Pulling himself out of bed to the door.
He reaches for it then recoils, trepidation as if he knows what lies beyond it.
The silent voice calls again… “Frankie”
He knows the voice and it sends a shiver up his spine. He twists the door handle, a silent scrape of metal on wood, cool against his sweating palm. It creek’s open.
The darkness outside pushes in like a heavy weight as he stares along the gloomy corridor. He thinks he sees the curtain at the end move, or is it a trick of the mind?
He pushes onward, hand holding onto the wall. Almost like static electricity plays over his palm as he walks on.
“Frankie” comes the voice again from the bathroom up ahead. He doesn’t want to investigate, he knows what horror lies ahead. But morbid curiosity pushes him on.

How did it come to this?

Though it might not paint me in a good light, I have always tried to not show the issues with my health or my mental state. I have reserved that for my private time at home. Making a peaceful and meditative state, giving myself time away from the cares of the world as much as possible.

This became less possible on Saturday 2nd of November 2019, where I suffered a mental breakdown in a supermarket of all places. I usually put on a brave face, my so called mask that hides what I feel underneath. The mask well and truly slipped.

I decided that I would take the help that was available and voluntarily checked myself into a special hospital unit. I am getting the help I need and hope to work through my issues with death, loss and grief.

Thank you.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

Mary Elizabeth Frye

The Daisy

She: “I have to go away for a while, don’t look for me. If I come back I won’t be that girl you once knew.”

He: “I saw you once, you were sat in the park on a wooden bench. You didn’t see me, you were looking down at your shoes kicking up the dust. You looked so sad.”

She: “you never told me that before? Why didn’t you come say hi.”

He: “I thought about what I’d say, how you would react and came to the conclusion…”

She: “what conclusion?”

He: “that it was best not to come talk to you. That all we do is hurt, hurt ourselves and eachother. That I will always remember that silly little boy throwing daisies at a girl he liked, just to make her smile. The smile that lit up the sky and made angels weep. But I destroyed that little girl because I touched her wings and they turned to dust like a butterfly.”

He handed her a folded piece of paper.

He: “don’t open it til I’ve gone.”

He walked away…

She opened the piece of paper and inside was a pressed daisy.