Abusers

I posted recently on my personal Facebook and it got quite a lot of responses from my friends.
I was unlucky enough in 2006 to go through a very horrifying situation and I felt that my life was over and wanted to end my life. I found comfort and wanted to share that with you if I could.
I was raped repeatedly over the course of a few weeks/month while placed in State Prison in Albany, Ny. I had gone on holiday and was robbed and had everything stolen. I did the right thing and reported it but needless to say I overstayed my travel visa. When I turned myself in, I was placed in general population in prison for my troubles.
I want to tell you, when you are raped or abused, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
You didn’t invite it

You didn’t encourage it

You aren’t to blame
It has nothing to do with your sexuality, or your race, age etc

It is about power.
People trying to take your power

But they can’t take your power, unless you give it to them.

You are stronger than they are

You are not weak

You still have your power and your dignity.

They are weak and they are small.
I want anyone of the people from Albany Prison in 2016, if you see this and were one of those people who raped me to see. Because you didn’t destroy me, I was down but now I’m standing tall, I take my power back from you and you were cowards!
You don’t have to go though abuse alone and afraid.

You

You made me laugh,

You made me cry,

You made me want to say goodbye,

You took my trust,

You broke my heart,

You said you’d be there from the start,

You fooled me once,

You fooled me more,

You said it wouldn’t happen no more,

You broke my heart,

You stole my life,

You made me fall,

You said you were mine,

You told those white lies,

You brandished your fists and broke my smile,

You torture me every day,

You won’t leave me be,

You.

Puppy Dog Eyes

You fill up my senses,

You fill up my heart,

Come let me love you,

Give your life to me,

I will take care of you,

lay down beside me,

paws on my chest,

come love me and adore me,

walk beside me,

run the fields with joy,

give my life to you,

come let me hug you,

come hug me some more,

walk the night in the forest,

like oceans on shore,

like running through puddles,

like a sleepy blue mountains,

like lazy sunday mornings.

Reflecting back

As the year turns to 2017 I begin looking back and feel a great burden of responsibility for the death of my wife. We weren’t together when she died which I hugely regret. Maybe I could have saved her from being depressed.

We were married in 2007 after only being together for a year. But I knew I wanted to marry her. She was funny, caring and would do anything for anyone else.

Oh there was an age gap and people said I was looking for a mother figure, but that was nonsense.

Maybe I should have fought a little harder to keep my family together. Rather than each grieve separately, we could have come together and tried to go on.

I wasn’t the best husband that I can swear to. I was working 12 hour shifts, and she was in a terrible home. We were living in a mould infested pit of a 1 bed flat in Spennymoor, with hell of neighbors.  Life got in the way and we drifted apart.

The last time I saw her was at the airport when she was leaving for the last time in 2009. She didn’t look back, if she did she’d have seen my tears and the regret I felt. Maybe she had tears too and that’s why she didn’t look.

Then apparently she was dating again, so I sent the papers to file for divorce. Maybe that was the last straw and she took her life. I wanted her to be able to move on. Maybe she wasn’t really dating and was hoping to get back together.

I wasn’t told she’d passed away, I came across it on the obituaries online in 2014, 2 years after the fact. She’d died in February 2012 and I wasn’t even told.

I regret never making up with her, and now there’s no chance I can. Even just being friends would have been good for us both.

She was so much stronger than I am, she had the fight and determination that being in the military gave her. She was only 51 when she passed.

Too young really…

She was adopted and never knew her biological mother and father, she was placed into care and that really upset her a lot in later life.

I hope she found her real family and is at peace.

Do not mourn the dead

Do not mourn the dead,
The dead are beyond the veil of pain and suffering of this life,
They are in the hereafter, with loved ones long since gone, or newly departed.

Do not weep for the dead,
Their time of tears and woe, have long since dried.
Weep for the living, they endure the throws of life.

Do not regret the dead,
Their time to regret has ended, they now live in the memories they made.
Regret for the living, we have to continue with the flow of our lives.

Rejoice for the dead,
The dead are with loved ones, they will never know fear or pain.
The living have to deal with death, disease and the horrors of life.

So, do not mourn the dead,
Mourn the living…

CMas2016

Twas the night fore CMas2016,

When all through the house not a creature stirred, not even that mouse,

When all of a clatter arose from below,

Here came feet creeping, and climbing the stairs,

Krampus came calling, to see who awoke,

Offering coal and misfortune to naughty boys and girls who caught his eye,

Pull up the covers, hide your face inside,

Till morn you come hoping, the big man arrived,

Toys and presents, instead of demise.

Politics

I was watching Alpha House on Amazon and was struck by how correct it really is.

Whether it’s in the Senate or a Parliament, these politicians canvas for votes. They get donations from companies who want them to vote their way on certain issues.

It’s basically a job whoring yourself out to the highest bidder and then spending the next year or however long not to get caught doing something inappropriate.

Yes you may put your signature on some policy you believe in or have been paid to agree with, but most of the time it’s a backward and forward process of towing the party line.

We buy into their, “I want to change the world” spiel when all they want is to join the boys club and then uturn the policies they are elected for.